One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Taxi driver in Heaven
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
"Come with me" said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
"Wow, thank you!" said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up" said the priest.
"Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."
"Yes, that's true. But, during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!"
Offer made to Adam
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says o him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you nd no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "and forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
The Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the and and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't "see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back....
"Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
Heaven's Entrance Exam
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point?" "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points?" Exasperated, the man cries.
"At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"
My Mother Taught Me About...
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And last, but not least...
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.... Then you'll see what it's like!"
OH MAN I'M TIRED!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, thendrove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighbourhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Locked Car Door
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated a whale swallowed Jonah.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Three doctors
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world." "Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes.
The same question is asked of the second doctor. "I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
The Hikers
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service, when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE andtwo 38's!"
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"
When you send out an email, always, make sure that you check the address you are sending the email to make sure it is right.
Here was a couple from Minnesota, who decided during a cold winter to go to Florida to thaw out. They were going to stay at the same hotel they had spent their honeymoon. Because they were not able to travel at the same time, the husband went first. Once he arrived at the hotel, he noticed things had changed a bit.
He decided to write his wife an email.
At the same time in Austin Texas, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He had been the local pastor in one of the churches around. She decided to check her email expecting to find emails from family and friends sending their condonences. She turned on the computer and read the first email, screamed and fainted. Her son who was in the other room came running in, after he checked on his mother went to the computer and read the email. Here is what it said:
"Hello to my sweet wife. I have arrived, things sure have change down here, they have computers now. I'm allowed to send out emails to our loved ones and family. Everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow; I can't wait to see you. Boy, it sure is hot down here.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick, and a substitute was brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
That is how the substitute became the regular organist!